One King Bed, Two Adults
No, I'm not in Vegas
Fabrication fires one last round
A shot through the numbing heart
A million more pieces shatter
In Vegas every corner
Beautiful memories relived
But fashionably much darker
Darkness prompts a past erased
Familiar promises plagiarized by new romance
If this other, is the end you insist
An empty past, is what i would suggest
For if all our history would be stolen
I wish I would never have fallen.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Closure
Before, I was excited with the idea of self-focusing, and had lots of plans for myself, to get over this break up, and to focus on myself for once, in life.
Then, my plans worked out one after another, I got my new camera, I got my new, supposedly more tolerable violin, new jacket for work, new job, new apartment, new room mates, all pointing to a new life.
But at nights, I still brood about the sadness and feed depression to to promote their consumption of my nocturnal activities. And I'd blame this on whoever had the idea of separation.
I fabricated the noble excuse that I needed a closure, and zlink, tolerating my whining complaints, reminded me to wake up and smell the coffee.
I can't stress enough how inspiringly helpful zlink has been, and she was right.
Waiting for closure does put the control back in her court, instead of just lying there all day, being depressed at my own will, and not doing anything
I should get closure myself, and move on with life.
.......................
whatever dude, i got a new job, all that is now just fucking bull shits, hahahaha
Then, my plans worked out one after another, I got my new camera, I got my new, supposedly more tolerable violin, new jacket for work, new job, new apartment, new room mates, all pointing to a new life.
But at nights, I still brood about the sadness and feed depression to to promote their consumption of my nocturnal activities. And I'd blame this on whoever had the idea of separation.
I fabricated the noble excuse that I needed a closure, and zlink, tolerating my whining complaints, reminded me to wake up and smell the coffee.
I can't stress enough how inspiringly helpful zlink has been, and she was right.
Waiting for closure does put the control back in her court, instead of just lying there all day, being depressed at my own will, and not doing anything
I should get closure myself, and move on with life.
.......................
whatever dude, i got a new job, all that is now just fucking bull shits, hahahaha
Friday, June 11, 2010
Let it go?
She finally left for her uncle's place, and although she kept mentioning that we'd see each other again, I know that the end of our relationship is as close and evident as the end of our friendship.
Knowledge is unforgiving and Adam's lesson is painful yet inevitable. While during the drive back home last night, I thought of using this time to get to know myself, to treat myself, to focus all the excessive love on myself, instead of on somebody else - something I've never done before - to be considerate for myself and work on my future, instead of working on others' future. Nevertheless, the knowledge of the existence of a third person painfully places me in a struggling position. I am hesitant whether I should make her confess so that justice is served, or I should let it go simply because matters have ended.
Should I let it go?
I'm forced to ask myself that very question, an exercise I seldom do because of it being rather tedious. From Carnegie's point of view, I could admit that the true, underlying reason of ever "needing" her to confess, is not necessarily for the sake of serving justice, but more so that I feel important. Because what happens after her guilty confession? What could happen? At best, we could still be in a fabricated, broken, standing on the tip glass friendship that is built on the foundation of my usefulness. And yet very likely, we could end up not talking to each other from now on. And if I had let the issue go? For certain our friendship would continue, and cheating element would most likely be diluted by time.
A straightforward comparison clearly shows which is beneficial and yet I still hesitate. I surmise that what really concerns me is an insult on dignity. And I could save this dignity by immediate confrontation, getting results today or tomorrow, but whether immediate salvage would result in immediate peace of mind is uncertain.
(I should stop reading forums. I feel that my writing is severely influenced by people on forums who write simply just to negate other people. I write like them now.)
I could, instead of trying to "save" a already damaged non-existent dignity, try to earn my dignity over time. It will take long and I cannot get immediate results, but I guess it fits well with my grand plan of being nice to myself.
Will I be laughed by her? That I was just that stupid guy back then, who was horrible at socializing, dumb, and don't even know how the relationship really ended. I would not be surprised if I were a joke to her in the end, had I not done something for myself. I could confront her, skillfully force a confession out of her, but in the end, I'd still be regarded as the dumb guy who didn't know anything, and moreover, the dumb guy who didn't know anything and is hated and unwelcomed.
Then again, the bigger picture isn't just about what she thinks. But about all aspects of my life and how to stimulate positive progress. Then, it is appears evident that letting her go, or letting my pride go, isn't an intolerable option.
I like simplicity, and because of my penchant towards simplicity, I never really thought deep on too much matters. My excuse for simplicity eventually turned out to be an escape route from difficult, unsolvable life equations. If I continue to run away from making difficult decisions, I can only be a great person in my own world, but not a great person in this world.
In the end, I am appreciative of her leaving me, and I am appreciative of her adding the twist of concealing a third guy from my omnipotent knowledge, because it thoroughly challenges my ego and pride for what i want. And it challenges me to start think deeply about issues, for as much as I love simplicity, life is never simple.
Albeit not the most honorable method, it is most effective as wake up call that I have never thought for my benefits throughout my life. What is more fortunate, is that I have so many friends who are experts in that area, and they've always been by my side. I suppose I should start focusing on myself, so that I could get myself closer to them.
Weighing the advantages, I guess I should let go.
Knowledge is unforgiving and Adam's lesson is painful yet inevitable. While during the drive back home last night, I thought of using this time to get to know myself, to treat myself, to focus all the excessive love on myself, instead of on somebody else - something I've never done before - to be considerate for myself and work on my future, instead of working on others' future. Nevertheless, the knowledge of the existence of a third person painfully places me in a struggling position. I am hesitant whether I should make her confess so that justice is served, or I should let it go simply because matters have ended.
Should I let it go?
I'm forced to ask myself that very question, an exercise I seldom do because of it being rather tedious. From Carnegie's point of view, I could admit that the true, underlying reason of ever "needing" her to confess, is not necessarily for the sake of serving justice, but more so that I feel important. Because what happens after her guilty confession? What could happen? At best, we could still be in a fabricated, broken, standing on the tip glass friendship that is built on the foundation of my usefulness. And yet very likely, we could end up not talking to each other from now on. And if I had let the issue go? For certain our friendship would continue, and cheating element would most likely be diluted by time.
A straightforward comparison clearly shows which is beneficial and yet I still hesitate. I surmise that what really concerns me is an insult on dignity. And I could save this dignity by immediate confrontation, getting results today or tomorrow, but whether immediate salvage would result in immediate peace of mind is uncertain.
(I should stop reading forums. I feel that my writing is severely influenced by people on forums who write simply just to negate other people. I write like them now.)
I could, instead of trying to "save" a already damaged non-existent dignity, try to earn my dignity over time. It will take long and I cannot get immediate results, but I guess it fits well with my grand plan of being nice to myself.
Will I be laughed by her? That I was just that stupid guy back then, who was horrible at socializing, dumb, and don't even know how the relationship really ended. I would not be surprised if I were a joke to her in the end, had I not done something for myself. I could confront her, skillfully force a confession out of her, but in the end, I'd still be regarded as the dumb guy who didn't know anything, and moreover, the dumb guy who didn't know anything and is hated and unwelcomed.
Then again, the bigger picture isn't just about what she thinks. But about all aspects of my life and how to stimulate positive progress. Then, it is appears evident that letting her go, or letting my pride go, isn't an intolerable option.
I like simplicity, and because of my penchant towards simplicity, I never really thought deep on too much matters. My excuse for simplicity eventually turned out to be an escape route from difficult, unsolvable life equations. If I continue to run away from making difficult decisions, I can only be a great person in my own world, but not a great person in this world.
In the end, I am appreciative of her leaving me, and I am appreciative of her adding the twist of concealing a third guy from my omnipotent knowledge, because it thoroughly challenges my ego and pride for what i want. And it challenges me to start think deeply about issues, for as much as I love simplicity, life is never simple.
Albeit not the most honorable method, it is most effective as wake up call that I have never thought for my benefits throughout my life. What is more fortunate, is that I have so many friends who are experts in that area, and they've always been by my side. I suppose I should start focusing on myself, so that I could get myself closer to them.
Weighing the advantages, I guess I should let go.
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