Nightingale

One King Bed and Two Adults

2010-06-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

One King Bed, Two Adults

No, I'm not in Vegas

Fabrication fires one last round

A shot through the numbing heart

A million more pieces shatter

In Vegas every corner

Beautiful memories relived

But fashionably much darker

Darkness prompts a past erased

Familiar promises plagiarized by new romance

If this other, is the end you insist

An empty past, is what i would suggest

For if all our history would be stolen

I wish I would never have fallen.

Closure

2010-06-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

Before, I was excited with the idea of self-focusing, and had lots of plans for myself, to get over this break up, and to focus on myself for once, in life.

Then, my plans worked out one after another, I got my new camera, I got my new, supposedly more tolerable violin, new jacket for work, new job, new apartment, new room mates, all pointing to a new life.

But at nights, I still brood about the sadness and feed depression to to promote their consumption of my nocturnal activities. And I'd blame this on whoever had the idea of separation.

I fabricated the noble excuse that I needed a closure, and zlink, tolerating my whining complaints, reminded me to wake up and smell the coffee.

I can't stress enough how inspiringly helpful zlink has been, and she was right.
Waiting for closure does put the control back in her court, instead of just lying there all day, being depressed at my own will, and not doing anything
I should get closure myself, and move on with life.

.......................

whatever dude, i got a new job, all that is now just fucking bull shits, hahahaha

Let it go?

2010-06-11T06:25:00.000-07:00

She finally left for her uncle's place, and although she kept mentioning that we'd see each other again, I know that the end of our relationship is as close and evident as the end of our friendship.

Knowledge is unforgiving and Adam's lesson is painful yet inevitable. While during the drive back home last night, I thought of using this time to get to know myself, to treat myself, to focus all the excessive love on myself, instead of on somebody else - something I've never done before - to be considerate for myself and work on my future, instead of working on others' future. Nevertheless, the knowledge of the existence of a third person painfully places me in a struggling position. I am hesitant whether I should make her confess so that justice is served, or I should let it go simply because matters have ended.

Should I let it go?

I'm forced to ask myself that very question, an exercise I seldom do because of it being rather tedious. From Carnegie's point of view, I could admit that the true, underlying reason of ever "needing" her to confess, is not necessarily for the sake of serving justice, but more so that I feel important. Because what happens after her guilty confession? What could happen? At best, we could still be in a fabricated, broken, standing on the tip glass friendship that is built on the foundation of my usefulness. And yet very likely, we could end up not talking to each other from now on. And if I had let the issue go? For certain our friendship would continue, and cheating element would most likely be diluted by time.

A straightforward comparison clearly shows which is beneficial and yet I still hesitate. I surmise that what really concerns me is an insult on dignity. And I could save this dignity by immediate confrontation, getting results today or tomorrow, but whether immediate salvage would result in immediate peace of mind is uncertain.

(I should stop reading forums. I feel that my writing is severely influenced by people on forums who write simply just to negate other people. I write like them now.)

I could, instead of trying to "save" a already damaged non-existent dignity, try to earn my dignity over time. It will take long and I cannot get immediate results, but I guess it fits well with my grand plan of being nice to myself.

Will I be laughed by her? That I was just that stupid guy back then, who was horrible at socializing, dumb, and don't even know how the relationship really ended. I would not be surprised if I were a joke to her in the end, had I not done something for myself. I could confront her, skillfully force a confession out of her, but in the end, I'd still be regarded as the dumb guy who didn't know anything, and moreover, the dumb guy who didn't know anything and is hated and unwelcomed.

Then again, the bigger picture isn't just about what she thinks. But about all aspects of my life and how to stimulate positive progress. Then, it is appears evident that letting her go, or letting my pride go, isn't an intolerable option.

I like simplicity, and because of my penchant towards simplicity, I never really thought deep on too much matters. My excuse for simplicity eventually turned out to be an escape route from difficult, unsolvable life equations. If I continue to run away from making difficult decisions, I can only be a great person in my own world, but not a great person in this world.

In the end, I am appreciative of her leaving me, and I am appreciative of her adding the twist of concealing a third guy from my omnipotent knowledge, because it thoroughly challenges my ego and pride for what i want. And it challenges me to start think deeply about issues, for as much as I love simplicity, life is never simple.

Albeit not the most honorable method, it is most effective as wake up call that I have never thought for my benefits throughout my life. What is more fortunate, is that I have so many friends who are experts in that area, and they've always been by my side. I suppose I should start focusing on myself, so that I could get myself closer to them.

Weighing the advantages, I guess I should let go.

mind blowing

2010-06-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

Gosh!!!

Every time I think about this fucking piece of shit my mind is like going to explode and I want to kill myself so badly.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Reborn?

2010-05-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

I wish this could be a reborn. I really do.

But I wish it did not have to happen.

I want to cry, but I think I've ran out of tears.

I want to vent, yet I am wordless.

The sweet words seemed like grimacing demon, devouring my soul and sneering at my defeat, for although the words were sweet, they were not from me, and they were for whom I deemed I loved.

Yet I seemed to have a sickening obsessive compulsiveness that unstoppably drives me to search for evidences, evidences that hurt me devastating - when I find them, I look at them, over and over again, each time feeling the pounding of thrusting knives upon my heart, and yet I still look at them.

Perhaps I just could not comprehend the reason for this to happen.
I do not comprehend it, and I do not want to accept it.

Yet Zlink just recently told me about her 3 A strategies: Against, Avoid, Accept
I think I really got no choice.

But this isn't at all fair, I didn't even get a fighting chance, and it happened.
Why is there a third person?
Why are you saying sweet nuttings to my girlfriend?
and
Why is my girlfriend texting to you, but not to me anymore?

I really lost all will to do anything, I don't want to do anything, I could die now.
I sacrificed myself, and gave all my heart, and perhaps that was my mistake.
Because now I am left with nothing.

I can't even write well.

Shit

2009-06-17T19:43:00.001-07:00

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

2009-06-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care
~http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/a/conversation-skills/improving-conversation-skills-with-listening.php

2009-06-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

Everything about you perforates every heartbeat as I linger upon your presence.

~anonymous

what counts

2009-06-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

Tyson, on being asked how many sit ups he does everyday, responds, roughly, like "I don't know, I only start counting when it starts hurting."

2009-05-29T09:55:00.001-07:00

breaks are given, not self-decided

Criticism

2009-05-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Criticism, is an art. An art that I am years too young to master; too many years too young to even tempt to try.

Today I received a certain critique, that I felt it was true. What was true was not what the critique was about, but more of what the critique further implied.

The critique: sometimes, you are over-critical, and that, is very annoying.

It is correct that in school, I was trained over and over and over, to be critical. Critical reading, as they called it, taught me to scrutinize the meaning and reason of why and how every word exists or is used in any paragraph, sentence, with the given context, atmosphere, feeling, and background. Critical reading, I was good at, but not in terms of day-to-day conversation.

Being critical about so many things people tell you, sometimes, is a reflection of arrogance. Arrogance reflects itself in the form of obvious ignorance. It is true that many times, things do not seem as apparent; or, things seemed unbelievable. But those do not contribute any reason for critical speculation or inquiry, yet, those only prompts for deeper thinking and profound consideration. Because, in truth, my form of criticism, is only, in essence, a form of ignorance, masked in a condescending tone of the fear of that ignorance being discovered.

To look back, you were once an elite, but you fell long and hard. And to "critically read" the previous sentence, you were "once" an elite. Today, you are nothing but the lowest level in the hierarchy of anything, and to take that point further, it is never your turn to criticize. Today, you haven't stood up from that fell, because you haven't done what you came here to do yet, and before that has happened, you can only humbly learn, humbly listen, humbly accept others for their way of expression, and humbly muse about the unknown to seek truth, but never criticize to seek truth.

Quotes

2009-05-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

Today's slaver, shall become tomorrow's tears ~ anonymous

Desire

2009-05-06T00:33:00.000-07:00

I stare at the crimson and black coloured
It is so close that with few clicks, all that I need is laid
It is but thousands of miles afar, untouchable.

It is what I want, and it is bashing at me: you want it? come get it!

quotes

2009-02-10T21:02:00.000-08:00

The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That’s real glory. That’s the essence of it. – Vince Lombardi

True

2008-11-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

Today I read Alexandra Schang's blog.

Alex is one of the most inspiring and revered person I have ever met in my life. And today she gave me an answer to my frustrations, setbacks and recent struggles.

It is so simple
to be true to myself

I, too, have became quiet, lost my confidence, afraid to voice any opinions and lived on the edge of the group. Today I finally know that I need to face these head on and face the new me that is scared, lost, and unaccustomed. And from there, I shall begin.

Ending

2008-10-20T23:59:00.000-07:00

Break up has finally been officially stated.

After the various discussions of seeing other people over the last few months. She finally called, and in one fluid swift motion:
"So I suppose we are now officially broken up"

I was clear of the meaning to call and specifically provide a name to describe the current situation, but did appreciated the clarity.

She then said
"But I still want to keep this sort of...........partnership"

I guess that's why I wasn't awfully sad after a break up. Given my usual pattern of weeping over a failed relationship, I acted awfully calm and "mature" this time. No crying, no drama, no satire remarks to hurt people while hiding the fact that I am myself hurt.

Surprisingly, and perhaps I was mentally prepared, I took the news in a rather relaxed and laid back fashion. We quickly shifted into a friends situation and talk about random stuff for a bit, and I continued back with my fuckin' intensive studies that make my life like hell.

Though that's not to say I'm cold hearted or I don't care anymore.
I think it's really because we had a strong friendship foundation, and that we are both mature. It's of course too bad a relationship did not work out, but we wouldn't want to throw away a great friend along with it.

I imagine from now on, the only difference is that I no longer have any obligation. But we can still talk if necessary, and I still enjoy her presence.

Now, I continue to move forward...

People here ask me why I don't sleep, and aside from the fact that I'm dumb and need more time, I said
"Cause I'm from Seattle............sleepless............."

I Love Pressure

2008-10-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

I love pressure, yes I do!!!

My graduate school life didn't start off so well. Missed the first day class, missed first orientation, and went through first 2 weeks without a text book.
When I finally got the textbooks, I realized I was so behind mentally and in terms of knowledge - I had too much I don't know and need to prepare myself for. About a month of grueling grad school life has passed and the outcome wasn't the best. Midterms weren't the best, homeworks weren't the best either. But I think I've finally tumbled to the right place and can begin my game. I looked through my old buddies and friends who're all off to either medical school, physical therapist, or aerospace doctor and looked at myself and told myself.

This is not the period of life where I take my time to get ready, I don't need no time to get ready, I just need to get the hell ready right at this moment. I looked at them forward their careers and looked at myself - yes I'm not there yet, but I know one day I will be there.

I looked at the piles of materials to study and the daunting programming that is waiting for me to tackle, not to mention the lab search and MCAT everyday, I am not tired, I'm not feeling miserable, and I'm not feeling stressed out. Instead, I cried

"I love pressure!!!"

And I am going to give all that I can to dominate this conglomeration of challenges that no one else would have the blessing to have experience. Even if it means I'd be going through 5 cans of coke a day to be high on caffeine so that I can spend beyond maximum energy to do more, I will drink 7 cans just to make sure.

There's no question to whether I can do it or not.
Because of course I can, but that is not enough. In fact, that is the very fundamental requirement that won't get me anywhere.
I can do it, and I will have to do it with the most flare possible.

I Love Pressure!

Cycle-Fear-Doubt-?

2008-10-05T23:12:00.001-07:00

Life is a series of cycles, large and small, here and there, everywhere.

One of the notorious cycles in my life, is the week of hell, and the thursday-friday night of luxurious sleep. Graduate school has been so exaggeratingly hard for me, that it forces me to challenge my ideas and doubt my abilities. The highly dense esoteric studies on now nerve cells react recursively convinces me that I am not the brightest, and not far from the dumbest. I am often flabbergasted by the amount of effort people here put in to forward their career-on a Friday night at 2 a.m. when I self-satisfyingly decided that studying is finally enough for the day and walked out from my study carrell, I was flustered by the amount of people still burried in books and computer screens that do NOT have youtube window or msn chat screen on it-I again was forced to doubt myself, thinking that I've worked hard enough perhaps wasn't true after all. I walked home with unjustified cause, hesitating to face the truth: I did study hard, but far from enough.

Going from a person who's done absolutely nothing in 2 years, to a person who's to wants to be better than anyone else, I don't know if I have the ability to surpass this amount of intensity that continuously radiates not just from the library, but from all aspects of life in this institute.

I do, however, despite the haunting amount of tuitions, appreciated the opportunity that I was thrusted into this school of immense fighting spirit where words of "fight on!" can be seen everywhere in the school. I realized they don't just mean on the football field, but in all aspects while being part of this school, the pride to strive for perfection, and the determination to give all that it takes for glory and dignity. As cliché as it sounds, it is this forwarding attitude that I need the most to stand up from the cycle predicament I have created for myself and have been stucked in for how long I cannot even bring myself to remember.

Every day is a cycle, to be up at 6am for workout, and studied until 4 am then I can maybe beg from my conscience a meager 2 hours of sleep. As days go by, I couuld feel my head growing hot and I welcome that sensation. It is a long lost sensation that I've often live in extreme life styles not because I want to but because I want to, and yet I grasp the certainty that I will be the best there can be, and I savour the little moments of joy that become amplified because of the distored life schedule.

The crazy hindu and middle eastern that appear to be study at no matter what kind of hours you appear at the library; the überimpressive chinese students who boast freakishly impressive technical background that simply freaks you out; the seemingly dumb looking but surprisingly intelligent americans that happened to know so much depth in the materials; the energetic quick wit african students who appear to be ahead in studying. I cannot imagine what is it that I have in my arsenal that allows me to merely just stand up against such a combination of army, not to mention how long I will survive in the face of such unimaginable group of scholars whose intellectual prowess consistently threatens me like a cycle every single minute.

It's perhaps not even a matter of how long, but whether I can survive or not.

Nevertheless, I savour this opportunity to purge myself from the viscious cycle I used to be in. In fact, I would indulge upon the immense stress thrust upon me with a sort wicked passion for self-torture, yet in a good way, slightly remenisence to the idea of asceticism but with a lot more excitement and joy - twisted excitement and joy of embracing the pressure. I know that throught the endless cycles of study carrells and looking at the bed like a stranger, I could move forward.

Before the Begining

2008-09-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

Platonic or Romantic; Relinquish or Restrain

Recently I've been getting a lot of calls telling me to go out and explore the world of romance.
Surprisingly, the person who's been encouraging me towards the diverse world of, not knowledge, but women, is the very woman whom originally I thought we had a tacit understanding of exclusivity reserved for each other.

I was right originally, but probably wrong now.

Sometimes it is hard to decide what to do, because unfortunately, she fluctuates from knowing what she wants to not knowing what she wants, to knowing she wants variety from time to time. And I guess at the same time, in the art of discerning through the complex convolutions of female thought process, I am still a novice - I always pour in more effort than result in finalizing what I believe she wants.
It is a tricky business. Sometimes if I don't figure out accurately, I don't get a chance to learn about what she actually wants, but instead, what I get is a disappointment statement chastising me for not being able to understand.

Call me a pragmatic with a hint of romanticism, I sometimes thought isn't it easier people just state what they want?

Unless they actually do not know.

This is when the concept of "duality" plays an important role. Duality, meaning couples, relationships, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, and so on.
It's understandable that sometimes at some point people get confused, yet it's also expect that people try to sort it out, not just for their own sake, but also for the other person's sake, so that they both know what's the situation, and what to do next.
So that they both can participate in decision making that involves both. And nobody will get hurt "from the back"

The encouragements are sometimes confusing. It undermines the essence of being together, and it urges me to take the very action that denounces the existence of the relationship.
The frequency of the encouragements are arguable as well. It suggests the fact that my dating somebody else is greatly desired. And to me, that is a odd request from somebody whom I thought shared a sort of commitment and exclusiveness towards each other.

Then her message towards one of her good friends stroke me and I felt one possibility slowly developing, maturing, and taking shape.
I just didn't want to admit that possibility, and I suspect she didn't want to admit to that possibility either, albeit for different reasons...

I saw her intimate message towards a guy, and it's a guy that she claimed she treat as family, and I guess that's no problem, but what did bothered me was, I guess, the unbalance of treatment.
The fact that she'd leave a message to say she missed him, but not me, had led me to understand that, maybe she needs the freedom, the laid back relaxing privilege of every single individual, that flirting and acting intimate with any guy is so trivial and common that there is absolutely nothing to think about, and that it is something natural and just fun to do.
I know if I had complained "why did you call him in such a intimate sweet name and say you miss him but not me?" I would have instantly created a sort of unwelcomed pressure that is never appreciated. But then is it ok to just not care about it when sometimes, it seems as if there are so many people that carry more weight in her mind than me?

The reality, the "physical" truth is that, I am not there anymore, and people who "are there" automatically carry more weight than me, because thinking about them pertains to her life, but thinking about me has almost no immediate effect to her life.

I can go get a bubble tea, go get hamburger, go to bookstore, go to awesome places like hollywood and little tokyo, but that's my world, my very world that is 1400 miles away and regardless of what I do, she'd still continue with going to her very tea shop on that very main avenue, to her library, to her bookstore, to her apartment.
Thinking about me has diminished to thinking about when to make the phonecall or when to check the email, while thinking about A or B or C is so closely related to adjusting her schedules, maybe tea shop with A that she misses, library with B who is very funny, and bookstore with C who is so close with her she can freely call him intimate names at any time.
It is perhaps the fact that to be able to do all those, and maybe more, venturing into the realms of dating, without a shadow that looms from california to seattle reminding her what boundaries are there, that stimulates her in encouraging me to date, so that she could date as well.

By conjecture, could it be this very simple desire of freedom that plays the mastermind behind all these absurd encouragements?

I never wanted to restrain her. If she wanted to call men by sweet nick names and express that she misses them, I wouldn't want to be in the way of pure friendship. But I wouldn't want to relinquish her and slowly die off from her life without myself knowing, or specifically, slowly die off from her life while simultaneously, I constantly tried to stay in her life. And I end up torn and hurt
I never wanted to have just a platonic relationship with her. But if she wanted to be completely and absolutely free, then romantic relationship, which usually comes with commitment is nearly impossible, unless I live a life of relinquishment and inevitable heart laceration which results from the continuous struggle between platonic and romantic; relinquish and restrain.

Then you'd take one step backwards and think. What is all this persistence about?
Perseverance only has a meaning, when the other person is willing to put in the tenuous effort and annoying small gestures, just to maintain the long silk connecting over 1400 miles of road not to break apart. And yet it's not like we're using a titanium string, we're using SILK for crying out loud!!!
And then when it comes down to a degree when the other person tries so hard to ask you to go out and date somebody else, I have unfortunately come to a point where I wonder, who am I persisting for?

Definitely not for her, because that isn't what she wants, obviously.
Then I am simply just being persistent for myself. All that long tedious paragraphs up until now are all results of my own persistence for my own goal that I conjured up for myself.

I have been playing a one-man Friday night soap opera, with a slight bit of class and prose.

Then would it have been easier if I just agreed to her encouragement and open eyes to the famed paradise of girls who know no less how to expose skin than how to integrate a highly sophisticated convolution integral.
Yet I've been afraid that "this" that I have been persisting diminishes and fades not away but only into memory.

I ventured to doubt myself even further.

Is it just being afraid of loosing her? of loosing her to the notorious enemy people meekly call "long distance" or is it the fear of loosing the support and becoming completely independent in the notorious south central "the hood" where one student just died out of stabbing few days ago?

I suspect these are all various versions of interpretation of the fear I feel, that in general, I wouldn't want to leave her.
And yet she urged me to...
Almost every phonecall.

Today I sat at my desk and I thought about "long distance"
I thought about it back and forth and realized that despite how much I would have persisted, regardless of how much effort I would have put, and required her to put effort in return, I could never beat the very minimalistic reason that:
"I am just simply not there"
And because of that very reason, I am in no place to ask her to watch her flirtatious habits with guys, and I am in no place to ask her not to drink too much.
Because I am not there.
All I could ask her is not to smoke too much, because we all know, being cool in that way is simply suiciding in a cool way. And I'd rather not suicide regardless of how cool it is.

And then I think,
"Should I really go date someone else?"
"Should I let go?"
"Should I relinquish?"
"Should I side with platonic here, and seek new romance?"
"Should I stop restraining her, and more importantly...."
"Should I stop restraining myself?"

One of my favorite legendary martial artists often emphasizes to "Be like water" with that famous fist and the inexplicable characteristic haircut and the very determined facial expression.
Today it's been so many times she asked me to go date someone else, then why am I still persisting? Is the one-man soap opera so tempting to play?

I haven't decided whether I will continue with the mind set of dating others and making myself a single bachelor. But I know I will start considering about it, not because it will being me into the exciting bitter-sweet unpredictable world of dating, but that it will put me in the mindset of being "alone" and hence, being aggressive in all areas of career.

I suddenly realized what she meant when she said "I like my life now, lonely!"
Not lonely in the sense that there's no friends, but lonely in the sense that the mind is clear and there is only school and friends that need to be thought of.
Having a boyfriend always carry a little bit of a complication: anxious, worried, anticipation, mixed emotions, never as easy as friends. Will I really take one step backwards and just relax, forget about all the aforementioned thoughts and simply just "go with the flow?"

I don't know if I will do that, I will know more the next time I talk to her.
What I do know now is that it's time for some intense neuroscience to study, let's hope I can be aggressive and study the amount no others can achieve.

JW